


when the party’s over

by shuri_is_my_queen



Series: Alex has Anxiety [3]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex Has Anxiety (Julie and The Phantoms), Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Panic Attacks, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Spiraling, someone give this poor baby a hug, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26892037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuri_is_my_queen/pseuds/shuri_is_my_queen
Summary: Alex spirals by himself.mind the tags.more information in the notes
Relationships: Alex & Luke Patterson & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: Alex has Anxiety [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1961836
Comments: 22
Kudos: 257





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> tw: panic attacks and self harm
> 
> This one’s a little darker. The “implied/ referenced self harm” is very mild, but will be in between the asterisks if you want to skip over it. Stay safe <3

Today is going well. Or at least that’s what Alex tells himself. He’s laughing. He’s joking around with everyone. He’s not going to let his smile falter. Because when the smile falters, he will break. 

* * *

When Julie is playing music on her phone in the morning, he dances along with her. “Alex you look stupid.” Reggie teases tiredly. Alex just sticks his tongue out at him and keeps dancing.

* * *

Alex and Luke are repping out some new parts, and Alex messes up more than usual. “C’mon, man. I bet Reggie could play this better than you.” Luke says with a laugh. “Oh, shut up.” Alex rolls his eyes. “Just give me a minute.”

* * *

The band is watching a movie later that night. Alex makes a comment to Julie about one scene. Julie shushes him with a giggle. “Alex, hush! You’re literally so loud!” “My apologies, Your Highness.” Alex whispers. 

* * *

It’s late and everyone is asleep. Well, everyone except for Alex that is. He thinks back on the day with tears running down his cheeks. Does he always look stupid when he dances? Is he even that good at the drums? Is he too loud?

Then, the thoughts go past what happened the previous day. Is he just stupid in general? Is he bad at everything he does? Is he overwhelming to others? Do people hang out with him because they pity him? Does everyone hate him? Does _Willie_ hate him?

Alex’s chest starts to tighten. He does the one thing he’s good at, he runs away.

* * *

Using some of his ghost magic, Alex ends up behind the Hollywood sign. He was free of the thoughts when he was running, but now they’ve slammed back full force. This time, they’re statements. Not questions. 

_Coward. Stupid. Ugly. Unlovable. You’re too much. Bad at everything. You’re parents didn’t even want you after they knew the truth. Why would your “friends”? They pity you. They hate how you hang around. You drag the band behind. You make Willie take care of you after your stupid panic attacks. You’re faking your anxiety. Your mental illnesses. No. One. Wants. You._

*******

It’s too much. Alex takes his nails that he somehow hasn’t bitten to the skin and rakes them across his arms. It hurts like hell and he knows he drew blood. But Alex doesn’t care. _You deserve to hurt. You’re a bad person._ He can always throw a hoodie on top anyways. It’s what he’s been doing for years. 

*******

Before he can even comprehend what’s happening, Alex is thrown into the worst panic attack he’s had in years. 

He’s shaking so bad that his teeth chatter, he can’t make a sound other than his gut-wrenching sobs. He can’t take in a full breath and it feels like someone is holding his neck in a vice-like grip. Can’t breathe. 

_can’tbreathecan’tbreathecan’tbreathe_

Alex clutches at the neckline of his tee shirt like it’s going to help at all. It doesn’t. Alex starts breathing harder. There’s nothing he can do. 

_Uselessuselessuseless_

_they all hate you_

_you can’t do anything on your own_

_stupidstupidstupid_

_they don’t want you around_

_you’re too much_

_toomuchtoomuchtoomuch_

_they only let you hang out because they pity you_

_Willie didn’t ask to be dragged into your life_

_burdenburdenburden_

*******  
He scratches at his arms again. It hurts. _Good._ More blood is drawn. He can feel it on his fingertips and underneath his nails. It releases some of the pressure in his chest. His arms sting. He hasn’t done anything this bad in a long time. _About time you did it again._ _You deserve to hurt._

*******

Alex can’t breathe. He’s crying harder now.

_can’tbreathecan’tbreathecan’tbreathe_

Nothing is working. He can’t do this by himself. He wants his friends. Or his boyfriend. They know how to help. _They hate you remember?_ Right. He can’t deal with a small panic attack on his own. He should be better than this. 

Alex’s hyperventilating gets worse. He starts to feel more dizzy and lightheaded than before. His vision starts to fade. And he’s out.

* * *

When he wakes up, the first thing Alex notices is the sun rising on the horizon. He should get back. 

Once back at the studio, Alex finds his biggest hoodie that he wears on his really bad days and puts it on carefully. Somehow his chest feels tighter that it did last night. 

He leaves the loft of the studio to see Luke waking up. “How’d ya sleep, Alex?” He asks while yawning. 

“Pretty well actually.” Alex responds in his normal cheery tone. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm is heavily discussed in this chapter. stay safe

Alex is quiet for most of the day. He’s hyper-aware of everything going on around him. And he’s especially aware of the angry scratches coating his arms. 

He puts on a mask at practice. No one can know about his bad night. He can’t stand the thought of the pitying and worried looks the others would give him if they found out. 

After practice, Alex is getting ready for a date with Willie. Before putting on his sweatshirt, he takes some time to actually examine the damage done to his arms. It’s bad. His hands start to shake. 

_No Alex. You’re not going to panic over this. You did this to yourself. There’s no one to blame but you. If you weren’t so messed up, you wouldn’t have these problems now would you? Now put on your sweatshirt so nobody sees. So nobody knows how messed up you are._

As he pulls the sweatshirt above his head, Reggie comes up to the loft. 

_Good save. Reggie almost saw. And we don’t want that._

“Alex!” Reggie exclaims. His voice a little louder than normal. His eyebrows raised expectantly. Alex’s face must show his confusion because Reggie repeats himself. “You okay? You look tired and were acting a little off at practice.” 

Alex swears in his head. 

_See? You didn’t do good enough. He noticed and is giving you the awful worried look. Play it off._

“Yeah yeah! I’m fine. Just a little in my head today.” Alex forces a small laugh. “Sorry for worrying you man.”

Reggie laughs, “Alright, dude. Just checking. Have fun on your date!” He makes his way back down the ladder.

* * *

Willie and Alex are sitting in front of the Hollywood sign watching the city. 

Alex is more relaxed around his boyfriend. He feels like he can let his guard down completely and the voice in his head is silent for once. For now he’s forgotten the events of last night. 

A little warm, Alex pushes the sleeves of his sweatshirt up to his elbows. 

Willie’s eyes bug out. Alex is confused “What is it? Do you see something?” Following Willie’s gaze, his stomach drops in horror. “Shit.” Alex whispers yanking his sleeves down. His guard comes back up and the voice returns. 

_See what you did? Now Willie knows how messed up you are. You really couldn’t hide it for one day could you? Useless._

Alex is curled up as far away from Willie as possible. Scared to see his reaction. Silence. Did he leave?

_Wouldn’t be surprised if he did. He knows now. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with you._

He looks up slowly to see Willie looking at him. To Alex’s horror there are tears streaming down his face. 

_Look what you did. You made him cry._

“Will-Willie?” The blond boy asks carefully. 

Willie doesn’t say anything. He just takes a deep breath and raises the fabric of his shorts. All Alex can do is stare when he sees dozens of tiny white scars across Willie’s thighs. 

Alex scoots over so he’s right next to Willie. The latter speaks without looking up, “I know what it’s like. I haven’t done it in months, but i still know the feeling. You can always come to me. You know that, right?”

”I know. It’s just that the voice in my head gets too loud. And I believe what it says. So reaching out is hard.” 

Hesitantly, Willie speaks, “What does the voice say about me?” Alex lets out a bitter laugh. “That you hate me. You didn’t ask to be dragged into my life. My problems. That you’re going to leave once you realize how messed up I am.” Alex is crying now, too. 

“Well I’m here now to tell you that I love you. Maybe I didn’t ask to be ‘dragged into your life’ as you put it, but it was a miracle. I like to think that we make each other better. And guess what? I’m still here, Alex. I love every single part of you. And I will not hesitate to tell you that the voice in your head is wrong. You’re amazing. In case you need to hear it again, I love you, Alex.” 

Alex is full on sobbing at this point. He throws himself into Willie’s arms. “I love you too, Willie!” Willie just hugs back tighter. They both needed this. 

Neither boy lets go until their sobs and sniffles have long subsided. 

Getting better is going to be hard. Alex knows this. But he has a boyfriend that loves him and a band that has his back. He’ll be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all wanted a fluffy ending so here ya go
> 
> hope you enjoyed! yell at me in the comments!
> 
> (my tumblr where you can make requests is shuri-is-my-queen)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ask and you shall receive

Willie is the first to break the silence. “Are you going to tell the others?”

Alex sighs. “Do you think I should? How would I even bring up something like this? What if they’re disappointed in me?”

Carding his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, Willie hums. “I think it would help you to have a wider support system. And from what you tell me about the others, I think it’s safe to say that they won’t be disappointed. They’ll want to be there for you. If you want, I can be there when you tell them.” 

Alex smiles. “That would be nice.”

* * *

It’s about a week later and Willie is watching them practice. Alex is clearly on edge, looking to his boyfriend for support. 

When they take a break, he all but collapses onto Willie. Luke gives him a weird look. “You okay man? You’ve been acting... off all week.” 

Alex takes a deep breath, locking eyes with Willie. “You got this. I’m right here.” He whispers. This confuses the band even more. They exchange worried glances. 

Steeling himself, Alex speaks, eyes downcast. “I’m... I’m not okay.” He fiddles with the hem of his sweatshirt. Willie rubbing his arm gently. “Haven’t been for a while. I can’t focus on anything, and the voice in my head is so loud. And it’s hard to ignore what it says.” 

Julie crouches in front of the shaking boy. “What does it say, Alex?” She speaks softly as if to not scare him. 

“A lot of things.” There’s no hiding the tremor in his voice now. “That I’m stupid. I bring the band down. I’m useless. A burden. Unloveable. I’m too loud. Too much. A bad friend. A bad boyfriend.” He looks up to see sad eyes staring at him. He turns to Willie. “Take a breath, Alex.” He didn’t realize he wasn’t breathing. 

He takes a shaky breath. “It makes me do things too. Things I know I shouldn’t.”

Reggie inhales sharply. Like he knows what Alex is about to say. 

Slowly, Alex pulls up his sleeves, refusing to look up as he hears the soft gasps. Tears start to fall. “I’m sorry.” He says, barely above a whisper, pulling his sleeves back down. “I know I should be better than this. But it’s so hard. I feel like I deserve to hurt.” He’s sobbing now. Willie hugs him tightly. 

The studio is silent except for the sound of Alex’s cries, breaking the hearts of the band. Luke is the first to speak. He walks over to where Alex is curled up against Willie. “I’m proud of you for telling us, Alex. That couldn’t have been easy.”

Reggie, who has started combing is fingers through Alex’s hair, speaks next, “You can always talk to us when you need to, ya know.” 

“We love you, Alex.” Julie says softly. “We want you to be happy.” 

Alex whimpers and pulls Julie towards him. Luke and Reggie take this as an invitation to hug the boy. 

No one lets go for a long time. Just comforting Alex and whispering soft reassurances every once in a while. 

Even though he’s still crying, Alex feels lighter than he has in a long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was harder to write as it hits a little closer to home, but i hope you enjoy!
> 
> request what you want to see on my tumblr shuri-is-my-queen!

**Author's Note:**

> So... that got a little darker than i intended. Whoops?


End file.
